I've been seeing a lot of posts regarding a woman's attire lately. I read a blog recently from a woman begging other women to be kind to her and not tempt her husband. A girl was removed from a prom because her dress that fit the dress code was too sexy. Perhaps it is because summer is upon us, or perhaps I have connections to a lot of naysayers. Either way, it's a topic that has been on my mind lately, and I simply must respond.
The first thing that I have to say is that I am a part of the problem. Recently I have encountered a girl on a couple of occasions, and both times I left the scenario discombobulated about what she was wearing. I would rant to my boyfriend about how her shorts were too short, or how I could see her nipples because she chooses to not wear undergarments, and how all the way around she presents in such a socially unacceptable manner that is beyond any point of acceptance to me. My significant other would just look at me, and say "Mary, I really have no idea what you're talking about. I did not notice any nipples, and I'm pretty sure her vagina wasn't actually hanging out. I would have noticed." To prove his point even further, he went to some of his friends who had also been present and asked if anyone else had experienced Nipplegate. Nope. Four men did not notice this brazenly offensive display. Basically, my panties (ehem, because I was actually wearing them) were all in a bunch over something that I decided affected me, when in fact it had no impact beyond what I both chose and allowed.
Of course, philosophically I believe a woman should be able to wear what she wants, and you can bet your life that if this girl had been sexually assaulted, I would have flipped a table on top of anyone who said she was "asking for it" because of her attire. That's rape culture, and that's against all that I believe as a human.
So wait.
Is this not a disconnect? She's not responsible for someone who chooses to violently violate her, but, she is responsible for my hissy fits, and I am free to judge her character based on her choice of clothing, because "she knew what she was doing when she put that on."
How dare I. Every action has it's impetus in some thought, some way of thinking. If we teach people it's okay to judge someone because of attire, then it follows that they will act differently toward that person. Victim blaming starts at the point where I can decide a character because I don't like what she's wearing. I can't get mad at someone for saying "Look what she was wearing! She had to know she was going to get raped, going out like that!" if I think it's okay for me to think "Jesus Christ learn how to dress, whore."
So this is my apology for perpetuating the thing that I loathe. I owe this to women around me and to myself. When I was sexually coerced one year ago, I beat myself up for wearing short shorts that day, and had many a talk with my best friend about how that does not put me at fault. I had to convince myself that clothing is not an invitation for violation. Perhaps if I had not been so hard on other women around me, I would also not have been hard on myself.
There is so much more to say. Alas. I will strive for brevity.
To the ladies who say that women should dress "modestly" (how delightfully arbitrary) for woman to woman respect, in order to prevent the lust of a significant other: Have some faith in and respect for your man. More importantly, have some faith and respect for yourself. If he's with you, he probably wants you. If another woman's outfit ruins that, then you would better benefit by focusing that energy on assessing the foundation of your relationship. Other women do not make men cheat. If they forced it, then it would be rape, and a man should not be held accountable for sexual assault any more than a woman should. But if he cheated willingly, he cheated willingly. Whatever his reasons were, they were not because he saw another woman's body and lost all control, helplessly succumbing to her presumed desires expressed by way of V-neck.
To the men who put the responsibility for their thoughts on women: Please own both your mind and your penis. They are yours. I would not fault you for a biological reaction, so please do not fault me with what you choose to do after you have experienced said biological reaction. I find men in red skinny jeans indescribably attractive, but it would seem a bit absurd if I trumpeted about how men should never wear red skinny jeans in order to protect my purity and my relationships. We are responsible for our own sexuality, our own actions, and our own thoughts.
So many of these modesty posts that I see are from those who purport to be Christian. Then I admonish you to seek our your very own religious book, and be kind one to another.
I cannot exempt myself from this; I cannot expect victim blaming to stop if I continue to blame other women for my discomforts. Change will never occur if we all find loopholes by which we are excluded.
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